Changes
by BeebleZeeble
Summary: "[Thom] was different when we went home to bury our father. I could see then that he was turning hard." - Alanna, In the Hands of the Goddess. A drabble set during Lord Alan's funeral.


Just as Thom was about to drift off to sleep, he felt her climb into his bed. He wasn't all that surprised that he hadn't heard her coming: these days it seemed Alanna could move almost silently when she wanted to. He felt his twin shiver as she slid under the blankets, burrowing into the warmth.

"It's odd, being an orphan," Alanna whispered, once she was settled. Thom rolled over to face her. She was curled on her side, matching his pose perfectly, with only the moonlight illuminating her pale face. He should have been expecting her to come visit, it's what they always used to do when they needed to discuss something important together.

"Odder than having him as a father?" Thom whispered back.

Alanna didn't speak for a moment. "I guess we still have Coram," she said at last.

" _You_ have Coram," Thom replied, unable to keep the sour note from his voice.

"Well now you have him, since he's staying here to run things for us," Alanna reminded him. She wriggled further into the blankets until only her white face was showing, looking like a chubby caterpillar easing into its winter cocoon.

"That's not what I meant, and you know it," Thom grumbled. "Coram's never liked me."

"That's because you don't let him," Alanna replied.

"He hates me because I'm not like him," Thom said. This argument was without any real heat, and nearly had by rote at this point.

"It angers him that you don't even try. You'd rather fail on your own terms than risk looking foolish," Alanna said calmly.

"I thought we agreed, we don't analyze each other," Thom reminded her, feeling a flash of irritation.

They both fell silent for a long moment.

Suddenly Alanna shrugged. "All this is yours now. What does it feel like?"

Thom felt his chest tighten at the way she could so easily distance herself from Trebond. "It's all yours too, it's always yours. You know I would never keep you from your fair share."

"I know," Alanna said. She stretched her feet out until Thom felt them tuck into the space between his calves, seeking his warmth. Her toes felt like ice, just as they always had. "Still yours though," she said, and Thom wondered if she was yet again resentful of his lot in life.

Thom hesitated, then said, "I don't know what I'm doing, I've never learned how to run a fief". Alanna was the only person in this world he could ever have admitted that too, and as he said it aloud he felt a weight lift from his chest. "All these people are relying on me, and they don't even like me," Thom whispered.

Alanna smiled wryly at him, the moonlight glinting off her violet eyes. "Well they didn't like Father either, but he still managed all these years."

Thom gave a soft snort, but he knew he probably still looked worried. His mask had never worked as well around his twin.

Alanna sighed. "I know you don't like it Thom, but listen to Coram. He'll know what to do, he won't let you down if you just trust him."

Thom nodded, knowing she was right, even if he didn't want her to be. "Ok, I'll try."

"And you'll have me, you know I'll represent Trebond whenever you need me to. I'm Jon's squire now, he wouldn't let my home fief suffer." Alanna looked so adorably earnest, and Thom felt warmed by the way she called Trebond her home fief.

He smiled at her, and then said in a snooty voice "Oh yes, I'm Alanna, I'm squire to the prince, I'm soooo important now, didn't you hear?" As he expected she kicked him in the shins, but she grinned enough that Thom knew she understood he was just teasing.

"I don't say it like that!" She mock-pouted.

"No, you just bring it up about every other breath." Thom had missed this, his other half, the person who understood him so well he didn't even have to try.

"Oh, do I? Well, maybe if you ever did anything impressive you'd have something to brag about too," Alanna teased.

Suddenly Thom wasn't having fun anymore. He felt white hot anger blaze across his heart. "Academia isn't like whacking at things with sticks, you know," he snapped. "It requires actual thought and effort to do things of value there." He could feel his cheeks turning hot with shame.

 _What is wrong with me, why did I just do that?_

Alanna leaned up on her elbow, her mouth open in surprise as she reached toward him with her free hand, "Thom, I didn't-"

Before she could finish, he cut in, desperate to change course. "I'm joking Alanna! Can't you tell when your own twin is joking with you?" His voice sounded tight and unpleasant to his ears, and he could feel Alanna seeing right through him. She knew enough not to say anything, but her hurt showed on her too-honest face.

All at once, Thom felt far too hot and claustrophobic with her body so close to his. Thom needed her out. "It's going to be a long day tomorrow, with the funeral and all. We should really get some rest," he said. Alanna hesitated, and Thom couldn't stop himself from saying, "And really, we're both too old to share a bed, we're not children anymore."

Alanna blinked at him in surprise, and Thom knew he had gone too far. They had completely left their comfortable groove, the familiar beat of their relationship. They were out in the wilds, with no map to guide them.

Guilt swamped him, and he added, "I mean, we'll see each other at breakfast anyway." He meant it kindly, but it made it significantly worse. He had never dismissed her like that before. This conversation had turned into a runaway horse, and nothing Thom did could get the reins back into his hands.

Alanna nodded slowly, the pain in her face turning into acceptance. Thom thought that might have been even worse than the hurt, how easily she let it go.

She peeled back the blankets and slid out of the bed. Thom could feel his heart still pounding as she crept toward the door.

"Well, goodnight, Thom," Alanna whispered.

"Goodnight, Alanna," he whispered back. He heard the door open and shut, and suddenly his room felt far too empty.

 _I'm losing her, he thought after a moment. She's becoming somebody great, and I can't even keep up._

He tossed and turned that night, unable to sleep, feeling the warmth left from her body slowly fade back into cold.

AN: I kind of wonder if Thom was really turning hard, or if a big part of that was a reaction to seeing Alanna achieving all her dreams. While Thom is being reviled and shunned by his peers and mentors, Alanna is picking up a pack of highly influential and important friends. While Thom is most likely coming to terms with his sexuality in a society that is apparently not very accepting, Alanna is the fulcrum of a love triangle between the crown prince and the rogue. While Thom is becoming more alone, Alanna is only becoming more beloved. I just can't imagine that was easy for him.


End file.
